29.9.06

I'd smoke it anyway. For spite, for sass.

La hija del Tigre, la gordita fantastica, la primera Presidente perra, the Glorious Michele Bachelet (Bachelette, not Bachelay) doesn't want you to smoke. Neither does the city of Santiago.

Gone are the times of smoking in the change room while trying on under-priced Dior suits (they brought me a silver ashtray.) Gone are the times of the acrid miasma, flavourfully saturating pastries in cafes. Gone are the infant lungs filling with second-hand diet-juice.

I suppose it's for the best. However, it feels like this country just got a little less exotic, and a little more Yoga-latte North-Americanized. At least they have clever anti-smoking campaigns. Walking down the busy streets of neighbourhoods such as Providencia, Las Condes, Ñuñoa, even La Reina, you find fake cigarettes lying on the pavement. Pick it up, and you're confronted with this passive-agressive, surprisingly effective guilt-trip thrown in your face, which would make even the WASPiest of Chianti-soaked mothers proud.



It reads: Urban action in direct marketing, without databases. Pick up the smoke off the ground, you little street-rat, unroll it, and it says "It seems you not only need a cigarette, but also help." Burn.

27.9.06

Hot, Hot, Hot Heat.

The puppy is finally a woman. Not to get too graphic, but about a week ago I woke up in my white sheets, horrified, searching for a wound on me somewhere. I choose not to illustrate the experience further.

Anyway, Daza has become a little coquettish señora in heat. Unfortunately, living in front of a plaza filled with 15 strays (this is a low estimate,) she's been drawing a lot of attention lately. Not to mention the fact that she's skinny, blonde, and has 6 nipples (I've counted.) Her usual 2 boyfriends has multiplied to about 9. I'm mildly jealous. They fight, and I mean fight tooth-and-claw, over her attention and steaming loins.

The usual suspects:


1. Cholo, the black labrador with the skin problem. Given some leeway due to Canadian origins.

2. Chorizo Agresivo, the aniñado weiner dog with the Napoleon complex. Scrappy.

3. Señor Butters, the naive underdog who always gets overpowered by everyone.

4. Hilarious Socks, truly a gentleman and really only licks her bottom.

5. Cockeye, the foul-mannered dirty poodle (have you ever seen a dirty poodle? It's like a has-been B actress) who's tasted my boot a few times.

6. The Blonde Matriarch, who I thought was a woman until recently. A part of the 3 wyrd sisters/matron clique that patrol the plaza.

7. Horatio, a recently shaved puffy thing that has gained too much confidence. Has an owner who does nothing but laugh and smoke.

8. Floppy Paw, a rather timid taxi-casualty with a tragically deformed front paw. More of a caballero with her.

9. Arnold, the Bichon-Frise that never seems to mount the right end. Perhaps it's forepawplay to get her warmed up.


Anyway, her scent has saturated my clothing (or as Niko likes to say, her "mist") and as a result, I have a secret army of the night following me everywhere I go. Today, even into the grocery store, much to the dismay of the 11 security guards. I can't help but feel repulsed, proud, mildly celoso, and slightly turned on by recent events. Less so that last thing, just wanted to keep your attention.

Rest in peace, the former, innocent puppy that I found in a video store. I'm beginning to know why primitive cultures had separate huts for females during their "time."



Daza.

17.9.06

Crypt-Creeping, Sausage Parties.

So I've finally recovered from my last trip to Argentina. Spent a day lost in El Cemeterio de la Recoleta, crept into crypts, got lost in the antique markets in San Telmo, haggled with Willendorf-Señoras, spent most of my time with my friend Santiago, member of the Argentine branch of Il Divo. (Il Divo is mom-porn.)

Last night I drank about 2 litres of pisco sour. Pisco sour, for those who don't know, is made with a small Peruvian lime called a pica, some ludicrously potent south american spirit, and egg whites. It wasn't until halfway through the second litre that I realized I was full of raw eggs. I had evoked a Susan Powter moment, and had even considered making myself sick. She would have approved of both.

Anyway, the occasion was the 18 de Septiembre, allegedly Chile's independence day. I've been told this actually occurs in February, but September had been lacking in a long weekend, and perhaps they wanted to distract everyone from the anniversary of the military junta in '73. Nonetheless, we celebrated in true sass-bag style at Niko's place in La Reina (with La Reina de La Reina) in a big, gay fonda. A fonda is yet another Chilean word for party, usually characterized by the presence of Huasos (enponchoed Juan-Valdezesque Chilean cowboys), albeit falsos, and Choripan, stubby little red hotdogs drowning in pebre. It was a true sausage party in every sense of the word.

Next year I want to throw a Jane fonda, complete with headbands and unitards.

3.9.06

Noreteamaricon.

Mis amigos flaytes no creen que puedo hablar Castellano de Tarzan. Miren, weoncitos, el Español. Me faltan algunas preposiciones, gramática apropiada, y chistes, pero suficiente para comunicar mis ideas. Todavia no puedo hablar con sutilesa, ni connotacion tampoco, y a veces me siento como Tibor en una fiesta, que dice cosas como "hacemos el carrete!"

Un caso de la caridad grammatico.

Pero, voy a tratar a escribir completamente en Español. Fuerte. En la forma de listas.

1) Acabo de comprar crema de caracol, hecho con 80% baba de caracol. Me encanta el sentido de tener caracoles cubierta mi cara. Mi caracola.
2) Un tipo viejo me dijo Brad Pitt en la plaza hoy dia. Mi cabeza se hace mas grande cada minuto aca.
3) Sueno borracho cuando hablo en Castellano.
4) El Español es una mescla borracha de Ingles y Frances.
5) Sudaca es una palabra mala. Lo siento mis Sudacas.
6) Cuando fumo pitos, entiendo 40% mas.
7) Mi cachorro es tan predesible. Fome.
8) Voy a matar a mi perro, lentamente.
9) Me encantan las estafas de gringos en todos lados. Fantastico.
10) Embrazame y abrazame no son lo mismo.

Gracias mis chulos ricos y mis amigas callejeras.

29.8.06

The air was good.

We packed an extra lunch for the flight over the Andes... just in case. Buenos Aires:


















Sarah spelled with an H.

I thought I'd like to reflect on some indside jokes, of no interest to anyone other than my sister and I. In list form.

a) 4 star hotels and their diluted detergents.
b) The oblivious rock-throwing threat on Diego's car.
c) 45 minute tooth brushing.
d) Que rico. Swept away by the riconess of it all.
e) Esparagus-effect empanadas.
f) Pil-Pil.
g) Used hospitality drinks.
h) Chocolate dinks.
i) Okaaay. Okaaay. Ok? Okaaay.
j) Boom-pole wasp intervention.
k) LAN Chile's inconsistency with elastic sunglasses holders.
l) Twigs. Aaaand we're filling.
m) The same goddamn mall 3 times.
n) Tarjeta retenido. Fuck you, Argentina.
o) Where the hell are we?
p) Absent hairdressers.
q) I'm your private drivah! Drivah for money!
r) There's a birthday every 10 goddamn minutes at The Fat Cows.
s) Daza's gandy legs. Frog sitting. Couch destroying. Her sudden and mysterious death.
t) Connie Tracheotomy at the French Place.
u) Sleeping 2 hours before flying to Buenos Aires as a medal-winning idea.
v) Blondie's saturated meat-smoking sauna feel.
w) Two dogs fucking in the restaurant and people argue over what to do about it. They're left alone. Chile.
x) Devo without a shred of irony.
y) How many fucking dogs do we have now?
z) Avoiding Lynda-Hamilton-meets-Señora-Carmen.

I love you Sare.

Sitting here itchy.

Sitting here, itchy, trying to figure out what bit me, I'm looking disdainfully at my cutey street rat of a puppy, wondering.

Gabriel thinks it was a Zancudo... Zancudo... Zancudo. I can't stop saying this word. It looks like a bright green mosquito. Here is a picture of a Zancudo... Zancudo... on an eyeball:



All I know is that I had a little hot flash, I looked at my arm to see a hot, puffy mosquite bite, with a smear of reddy welts coming out of it. As of right now, the bumps have traversed the nipple zone, through the armpit forest, and are slowly pulsing onto my other arm. I -think- it's following a vein.

Chile really hasn't felt exotic until right now.

12.8.06

What's going up?

Hello Jordan:

Why are yu lost in Los Andes ??
Good joking for chilean humour sense ...
I notice you like ironic jokings ??
Is it true ?
I am Daniel, a chilean guy who enjoy the life to melt this saturday night ??
and you , what ' sgoing up?
I hope hear soon from you ..

Daniel
Santiago- Chile

Viking, GO!

Yes! Yes!


Yes!



Yes!

I -finally- found the most viking restaurant in Latin America. Intense mead, steaming cauldrons of meaty meat, meat, and cow-leg ashtrays. There's something so Cruello DeMills about ashing inside of something that once kicked something else. Ridiculous hoofery.

Sarah and I were the only actual viking descendents in the place, and they gave us honour with ceremonial hats.

Argh!



Cotton-Candy for Brains.

The itinerary for learning a new language resembles something out of a Psychology 100 textbook. Like the boring heirarchy of Maslowe's, you begin by addressing the necessities: ordering in restuarants (food,) ordering in bars (fluids,) haggling with landlords and hostel-owners (shelter,) and pick-up lines (love.) Over time, these concepts web fractally, the triangles obtusify, dissolve, fibbionacially fornicate. Slowly but steadily these world-wide-word-webs weave, with subordinate threads, chimeric networks, quipus of knotted semiotics and snafus, when you finally start to form sentences and simple thoughts. Our Psych 100 textbooks tell us that neuropathways extend in this same way when you learn your first language in soft-serve, infant, cotton-candy brains. You go through a kindergarten of flashcard flashbulbs, simple nouns, barnyard noises, shapes and colours, sprials and lines. The progress could probably be graphed into the golden section.

With relief, I've finally reached the stage of conditionals, of maybes, of evasive conversation. Excuses, at last. I've finally learned the word for supposedly, supuestamente, which allows me a lot more breathing room with anecdotes and second-hand facts. Allegedly is next, with other sarcastic doubts.

Ambiguity, a wonderful wool pullover, will hopefully be followed by subtlety and some pretty, fanciful embroidery.

25.7.06

Jordan who does little.


...is getting and Armadillo.

Alive, from a petstore, for 50 lukas.

Chile.

22.7.06

Delicious food?

Your mouth, watering, courtesy of the lovely Nicolas Cárcamo S.









Or, perhaps, him.

Chilenismos, Chickenismos.

Over the past few months of living in this long, skinny nation of classist latinos and humiliated llamas, I´ve grown quite fond of their funny little Spanish dialect. I honestly think there are generally fewer synonyms in Castellano than in English. This isn´t intended as a valuative judgement, but my teeny dictionary has led me to believe this is true. Anyways, as a result, there is a collection of bizarre sayings and modismos (Spanish slang) indigenous only to Chile, providing subtlety where simple adjectives won´t suffice. Many of which involve chicken.

Yes, chicken.

Let´s consider this national obsession with pollo. In list form.

1. Hueon.
Translation: Asshole, buddy, friend, dickhead, compadre.
Etymology: Huevo, or egg. Potentially the most important word in Chileno.

2. Pololo. (Polola.)
Translation: Boyfriend, (girlfriend.)
Etymology: Play on pollo, or chicken.

3. Pico.
Translation: Crude way of saying wang.
Etymology: From the Spanish word for beak.

4. Pollo sobre la velador.
Translation: Having an affair.
Etymology: Motels spring up in Santiago like mushrooms. They are designed for
infidelity, and even have privacy-curtain car air-locks in their parking garages to preserve modesty. Most popular times to rent a room are during lunch hour on weekdays, where they serve you a quick bite with your quick bite. Means chicken on the nightstand.

5. Huevas.
Translation: Balls.
Etymology: Eggs. Feminine eggs. Can´t explain this.

There are more. Many more. I bring this up with Chileans and they have no idea what I´m talking about, it´s so ingrained, so absorbed in the fabric, this culture of chicken, that they don´t see it everywhere. Only with foreigners can I discuss this phenomenon. It´s not like there are a lot of chickens here, or anything... at least not more than anywhere else. Although, for real, sometimes Chilean chicken eggs are blue. Honest. Spade a spade.

I suppose English has a little bit of this, but definitely not as much as the Chilenos. What´s a Saturday night, afterall, without some cock and chicks?

14.7.06

People don´t rue enough things these days.

It´s a great verb.

Let´s take blogger, for example, who´s code is so messed I can´t provide proper epithets for my photos.

However, can you really rue anything other than "the day"?

Allow me to provide captions.

1. Protecting the precious, precious grass from invading urbanism. Due to earthquakes, much of Santiago lies on shakey ground, and you see a lot of matchstick support pillars buttressing walls and buildings. Vacant lots are everywhere in my neighbourhood and look like these little urban-renewal sanctuaries, when in fact it´s a product of economic collapse. Cute.
2. The white elephant of the singing forest. Construction projects that lose funding become a nightmare for municipal beauracracy here, and often are left as half-resurrected lazarus pits, called white elephants in Chileno. When the wind is right this place whistles, hopefully.
3. Speed lines.
4. The leperous cathedral.
5. Noli me tangere.
6. In vino ventas.
7. And now for the swimsuit competition.
8. Mediocre landscape.
9. Peeling bubblegum baroque.
10. Geeze, Guevara (Dam, 2006)
11. Rue.

Greetings from sunny Barrio Brasil.





















10.7.06

DOES NOT COMPUTE.

And to think, I could have been in Japan right now, with THIS:

The robo-pachinko soundtrack is key.

Everything in lists from now on.

1. I accidentally bought PIG CHEESE at the grocery store. Made from pig´s milk. Is this edible? I have no idea. Is this normal? Evidently in Chile. Sow teet squeezings.

2. Sow teets.

3. I was given a gigantic promotional sign for Bilz y Pap, spokesaliens for the most terrifying, bad trippy, papaya flavoured soda. He always watches. The lidless eyes.

4. There´s a fantastic chilean modismo about wandering through the world of Bilz y Pap, which basically means either detached oblivion or paralyzing hallucinations.

5. Lidless eyes.

6. I lost my cellphone about 3 weeks ago and I´m feeling more liberated than usual. I´ve decided to try and grow a beard.

7. Of bees.

8. Daza, my streetwalker puppy, lost a tooth chewing my onitsuka tigers (sic.) It was tragic, poetically just, and simultaneously cute, until it dawned on me she may be addicted to heroin.

9. Remember pig cheese? Imagine the aftertaste.

10. I walked into the pharmacy to buy bandaids (Cruce Verde - think Shoppers Drugmart) and there were 6 stray dogs sleeping in piles of sawdust. In a fancy boutiquey drugstore.

11. The word for drag queen in Spanish is travesti. Homo-nyms.

12. My friend Pablo fed me entrails. Innards. Steaming innards, with parmesean cheese. Must think of way of getting back at him.

13. The lockerroom at my gym reminds me of Rough Trick Night at the Black Eagle.

14. Everything is delivered in this city via bicycle with lawnmower motors. Including porno. When will North America learn.

15. I planted pot seeds in the plaza in front of my house. Time lapse photography to follow.

16. I´m auditioning for Chilean television next week.

17. Got a tour of the slums (horribly called the poverty tour) by a couple friends. Felt nauseous. Some people live in BAGS.

18. Had a full-on, wasted conversation in Portuguese. Portuguese is bad, drunk Spanish. Burned face with joint. Scarred for life, heading to Buenos Aires for some backseat, backalley skin grafts.

19. Sarah arrives in 3 weeks.

20. Are any of you goddamn people actually going to visit me?

30.6.06

Como sobrevivir en los fundos embrujados.

I´ve decided Chile is a magical, magical, magical place. I couldn´t think of a better synonym, there.

Only in this country do you have Brujaterias (witch stores, literally,) national epics with table-shaking psychics, and tarot readers as populous as clandestine stolen-watch vendors.

A couple weeks ago I fled to a small wine region in the south called el valle Colchagua, at the invitation of a good friend, Luis. His home is featured in some of the images below, an ancient, 16th century fundo. The fundo system is very similar to the colonial North American seigneurial system of wealth distribution: a rich and influential patrón (often a Spaniard, or one from an "old family," despite the fact that everyone is a scion of a long lineage) controls the land and finances of a small community of workers, whom often congregate around the main house for holidays or festivals, seek education from employed schoolmistresses (if they´re lucky,) and get medical treatment every few months (again, if they´re lucky.) In this fundo, there was a chapel (which would put most North American Unitarian hardware stores to shame) and theatre to seat 300. Luis´ family held this home for generations, until the socialist regime of Salvador Allende, in the early 1970s, when it was annexed, and 25 families moved in.

You can imagine the scale of this place.

Three years of socialism, depending on whom you talk to, was either a curse or blessing for this country, but ultimately led to a bloody military coup on September 11th, 1973, under the iron fist of Augusto Pinochet. I´m oversimplifying here, but it was messy. Estimates range from 3,000 to 30,000 dead, depending on whom you talk to. Some of these dead were the more outspoken inhabitants of Luis´ fundo; shot, or worse, in some of the various courtyards of this cloistered labyrinth.

Fast forward a few decades and we have a decadent Jordan, relaxing with some friends in hedonistic splendour on what is esentially a chilean burial ground. Smoking fantastic Senegalese pot, drinking enough red wine to drown Dionysus, and listening to live Mapuche throat-singing with Luis´ 35 dogs. 35.

The first night I had trouble sleeping, despite the wine, women and song, but decided to take a walk in the courtyard. Before I opened my door (they all lead outside) I heard footsteps in the gravel. Expecting someone to be taking a stroll, I opened the door, only to find horror movie-grade backlit trees and that misty moonlit miasma you think would only exist in a Friedrich painting (a little overdone, I´ll admit, but I´m setting the ambiance.) Nobody was outside. I went back to bed, a little perturbed (I heard the footsteps, really) and they started again. With some distilled courage, I decided to open my door again, and, nothing. Eventually I fell asleep.

The next morning, over breakfast, I told one of the housekeepers, Luz, about the footsteps. She crossed herself (honestly,) and told me to be careful. She had heard sounds of children crying a couple of times, sometimes right outside her window. Luis had heard the footsteps the night before and said it was nothing new. The day proceeded like any other in the country, taking tours, chasing ducks, playing with puppies, reading Borges, profound conversations in countless languages, pretense. That night I went to bed late.

This time the footsteps were louder. This time they were dragging something heavy, back and forth. I was less drunk and less courageous, but convinced this couldn´t be phantasmic, perhaps one of the gardeners working ludicrously early. I opened my door and the footsteps abruptly stopped. Nothing. I closed my door, and not a second afterward, something SLAMMED into my door. It felt like the whole wall shook. I locked it with hopeful futility and tried to sleep, which didn´t happen until dawn.

An idea, like a ghost, must be spoken to a little before it will explain itself.

...I can´t wait to get back there.